Submissive Journal

Do you identify with a particular type of animal? Do you use any kind of pet or animal interactions with your owner?

i like cats and dogs as pets, but i don't identify with them, and i don't remember ever doing any pet or animal interactions with anyone before.

Do you feel the desire to please, or obey, or a combination of both? Can either of these desires work to your detriment?

i assume that obedience is pleasing, but pleasing is more than obedience. i desire to do both--obviously to obey when directed to do something, but also to get to know my Owner well enough so that i would get better at anticipating His needs and meeting them.

i feel like both desires can work to my detriment, especially if focusing on only one to the exclusion of the other. For example, if i were only to respond to direct orders, my Owner might get weary of always having to direct me, and if i were only to depend upon my own intuition about His needs and desires and ignore direction, that would not be pleasing at all.

It seems best to have obedience be automatic and also be looking for ways to please beyond that whenever it feels like it would be welcomed.

How do you greet your owner upon your or his/her arrival?

i have to answer this about a prior relationship. i was to be freshly bathed, naked and waiting on my knees in the bedroom when he arrived home.

What activity that you engage in involves all of you; mind, body and soul?

If i was having sex, that would be my answer, but since i have not had sex in a long time, probably the activity that has any chance of involving all three of those parts of me (but in a much more minor way) would be dancing or exercise of some kind.

Are you allowed to show your lust for your partner? How do you approach your partner when you want sex?

Again, i have to answer from the past and say i was always allowed to show my desire for him and to approach him when i wanted sex, but i have always tended to be subtle in my approach, like getting naked and cuddling up to him, and so i rarely got the response i was hoping for.

When do you feel the most beautiful?

When my significant other tells me i am beautiful.

Submissive Journal

What resources do you have in your service-based arsenal? What would you recommend for domestics, cooking, cleaning and other forms of service?

For household organization and cleaning, i recommend FlyLady. For cooking, i recommend Saving Dinner.

In the beginning, did you ever wonder if you would lose your sense of self somehow in your slavery? Has that proven to be the case? Is that still a question for you?

i did lose my sense of self during a long marriage to an abusive narcissist, but that was how i survived for so long. In regaining my sense of self after the end of that marriage, an integral part of that is still embracing my slavery because that is who i am, but i realize that the coping strategies that i needed before are no longer necessary, so i have been shedding them and more and more re-blossoming into myself again. During that abusive relationship, i was not allowed to have feelings, much less express them. i am learning to be true to my feelings, and i no longer stuff them down with food nor try to deny what i am feeling. i have learned that if i ever find myself involved with someone who does not cherish and protect me, then i will need to end the relationship.

With all that being said, surrendering myself to and losing myself in a man who truly does love, cherish and protect me is a whole different thing. i see that as a safe place to be where my 'self' is nurtured and cultivated the way it is supposed to be. In that case, my best self can only be realized in being His.

Why should women feel empowered?

Simply because we are women and are vital to the survival of the species.

Do you consider yourself monogamous or polyamorous or some other category which cannot be defined? Is there such a thing as "no preference"? What makes your preference work for you?

i am monogamous. i am very single-minded and focused on the man i am mated to. So far it hasn't worked very well for me since the men i have been married to turned out not to be monogamous.

it's hard to believe someone could truly have 'no preference'. Seems like everyone would have a preference.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

Obviously, there is no guarantee of being heard, understood and accepted, so i rarely try to explain it to anyone except those who are sincerely interested because they are exploring their own personal sexuality and wanting to learn more.

Three things that make my personal sexuality acceptable to me are:

1. It is Scriptural.
2. It is nobody's business but my own and those with whom i am sexual.
3. i do not do anything that is harmful to myself or others.

Have you experienced Sub Frenzy? What was it like?

i had to look this up to learn what it is. i believe i did experience this a few years ago when i was separated from my ex-husband. i did fall for someone, and it was very intense. It ended abruptly, and ultimately i ended up going back to my estranged husband, which was a poor decision, probably affected by the 'sub frenzy' and his promises to have an M/s relationship with me. i feel more grounded and even-keeled now.

Do you have a meditation ritual to think about your submission? What is it like? If you don’t, what would your mantra be like?

i have a bracelet with a little pewter box on it, and inside the box is a rolled-up piece of paper with this printed on it--

i belong to A, and any and every part of me is His to do with as He pleases. To Him i give my service, effort and devotion--my all.

As i wear the bracelet, this 'mantra' resonates within me, and i always remember that i am His.

Does your Owner discipline you as a part of maintenance even if you have been good?

We are not together in real life yet, but He has informed me that using me will happen as He pleases and in whatever form He pleases regardless of my behavior.

List 5 people you know — In 100 words or less tell them how thankful you are to them for something.

A: Thank You for helping me to focus on what is important. i appreciate all the time You have invested in me and the care You have shown for me and my children. i also appreciate each and every time You have spoken to me and each and every word You have written to me. Every word from You is so precious to me. Being Yours undergirds me and brings me joy. Knowing You brightens my days, and i long for the day when i can be at Your feet, serving You and being completely Yours in every way.

Mom: i really miss you. We ran out of time to talk about all the things i wanted to talk to you about, but through the years you always did listen to me and encourage me. You taught me so much, including all the needlework skills i still enjoy. You were always there for me when i needed you. i appreciate all the love and nurturing you gave me my whole life until you couldn't do it anymore, and we had to take care of you instead. i still remember your laugh and how beautiful you were.

Dad: i miss you so much. i appreciate everything you taught me and how you were always there for me no matter what. You gave me my moral compass and so much more. You encouraged every interest i ever had, showing me how to do so many things and always leading by your example. You always practiced what you preached, so i was able to always look up to you. You got down on our level to do things with us, and i loved all the times you would play games with us. You never lost the joy of being a kid and helped me to have that after i was an adult, too. It's so hard being without you.

Sister: i love and appreciate you so much. You have helped me get through so many difficult times and listened to me cry my heart out over and over again. You always know what to say to help me to hang on and keep going, no matter how much i think i can't. We've also had such fun times, laughing until our stomachs hurt, and i appreciate those times, too. You have gone out on a limb for me to help whenever you could, and one of those times was during a terrible time for you, too, and i will never forget that.

Daughter: You have always been loyal to me and stuck with me no matter what was happening and no matter how much pressure was put upon you, and i appreciate how you have stood by me that way. i know it must have been hard for you to be the different one and to go against the crowd. i also appreciate all the times you have helped me with the younger children and housework when we were all struggling with the difficulty of our daily lives in the toxic environment we were in. i'm sorry i didn't get all of us out sooner.

(It took me like half a box of Kleenex to get through writing the above five paragraphs.)

What do you consider domestic service? Do you enjoy serving or being served in this fashion? What tips do you have for someone learning to love domestics?

i think of domestic service as doing household chores, cooking, cleaning, serving meals. Those are all necessary for everyday life, so i haven't really thought about it that much in the specific context of service, as in consensual slavery. i can see, though, how it can be a part of that by focusing on the Master and meeting His needs.

Submissive Journal

“A slave’s life is mostly composed of patience and study. Yes, study. If not with actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner’s character, so that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right time and in the right manner.” - Laura Antoniou

i do try to read all i can and learn as much as i can from others with more experience. Everyone i have met in this lifestyle so far i have met online, and they are generally very generous in sharing what they have learned.

i do my best to focus and listen attentively whenever Sir is talking to me in order to understand and remember everything He tells me. i love learning everything about Him that He shares with me. i also re-read emails and chats to absorb His words as thoroughly as possible.

Is focus something you strive for? Do you meditate or do other practices which allow you to focus?

my meditation is mostly in the form of reading the Scriptures and meditating on what i have read along with praying.

“I like looking feminine and I enjoy being a role model. I enjoy being a woman. It all comes down to having the confidence to be who you are.” - Cathy Freeman

i enjoy being and looking feminine. i stopped cutting my hair years ago, and so i have really long hair, which is rather unusual for my age group, but that is what i am most comfortable with. The main reason for that is because it sets me apart as a female and even sets me apart from other females. i also always wear dresses or skirts because i want to look and feel as womanly as possible.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” -Mahatma Gandhi

i think this is very true. We can find our highest selves by doing what we can for others. In serving the One who owns me, i am more acutely aware of everything i say and do, not only because of how it reflects on Him, but because i am defined as being His, and in that, i feel elevated and magnified. And that self-awareness then recycles into more desire to serve Him.

“That which yields is not always weak.” - Jacqueline Carey — Kushiel’s Dart

i picture this in regard to trees and how the trees that survive yield to the wind, while those that don't can end up being uprooted or broken. There also is a spiritual principle that strength is made perfect in weakness, so strength can sometimes appear to be weakness or perhaps be clothed in weakness. The strength of the Master is made perfect in the 'weakness' of the slave because the yielding of the slave results in His strength expanding and also residing within her.

How polite are you? Where did you learn your social etiquette? What rules do you have in your relationship regarding p’s and q’s?

i try to be as polite as possible and treat people the way i want to be treated. i learned most of my social etiquette from my parents. The main etiquette-type rule in my relationship is for me to be respectful--to greet Him in a respectful way, to respond to Him in a respectful way, and there are some words and forms of speech that i know He doesn't like and has designated disrespectful, so i avoid those. It also displeases Him when i get too analytical and start sounding like a lawyer, so i avoid that as well.

When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?

Whenever i am interacting with Him, and that is when i most exult in it, too.

Submissive Journal

Write down three things you didn't do because you were afraid. What could have changed in your life had you done them?

1. The night before i was to be married the first time, i had cold feet and tried to back out. My fiance was panicked, and after several hours, he talked me into going through with it, but even the next day, i kept feeling like i was making a mistake, but i was afraid to let him down as well as everyone else expecting the marriage to happen. If i had stood my ground, i might have gone to college instead and become a medical researcher and perhaps married someone more suitable later on.

2. When i became pregnant the first time, i had an abortion because i was afraid. i was married and very much wanted the baby, but i had contracted rubella (German measles) during the first trimester, and i was told by several doctors that there was a 95% chance that the baby would be born blind, deaf and mentally retarded with a heart defect. i still wanted to have the baby, but everyone kept telling me that the abortion was the right thing to do for the baby. i was very young, and i was afraid to stand up to all the older and wiser doctors and family. my husband was no help. All he would say was, "It's your body." But it was our baby! i felt very abandoned by him during that time, and ultimately that factored into the demise of that marriage. If he or even just one other person had told me that they would stand by me and be a support system if the baby turned out to be handicapped, then i would have had the courage and strength not to go through with the abortion, but i was too afraid that if the baby was born so severely handicapped, my husband would leave me and everyone would be saying 'I told you so' instead of being there for the baby and me. i have always grieved for that baby, and through the years, that husband, upon finding me grieving, would remark, "Why do you keep doing that to yourself?" as if i had any control over my feelings of loss or as if my sorrow was not valid. If i had not had the abortion, i would have had another son, and maybe he would have been healthy and fine, and even if he wasn't, he still would have been precious to me.

3. There were many times i should have left my second husband, but did not because i was afraid of going through another divorce and of having my younger children go through a divorce and aftermath. What i had learned from my first divorce is that as bad as it was, it got worse during and after the divorce. He became much more vicious as an ex-husband than he ever was as a husband. So, even though my second husband was abusive, i thought he would be worse if i made him an ex-husband, as had happened before. Had i left him the first time i definitely should have, my two youngest children would never have been born, but if i had left him after my youngest was born, i would have at least been that much younger starting over and would have had fewer years spent in the misery of that marriage. i finally did leave him for good several months ago, and as it turns out, the children had been wanting me to do that pretty much all their lives, again making it clear that i should have done it long ago. All of us would have had better, happier lives.

Submissive Journal

How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?

i believe the most important part of communicating those types of feelings is to be respectful when addressing Him about it.

Secondly, i need to be sure i do it. i need to be completely transparent with my feelings and not hide anything from Him or keep things in. i need to open up to Him completely so that i am completely His. If i keep things from Him, then i am keeping a part of myself to myself, which is withholding and not submitting or surrendering my all to Him. He wants to own me inside and out (and i want Him to!), so the inside has to be completely revealed to Him for that to be.

Since we do not live together, timing is not very crucial, and i can email what i am feeling as i am feeling it, and He can read it when He wants to and address it or not as He wishes at His convenience.