The Learning Process of Dating

I suppose the first thing to understand about my dating naivete is that I was with my first husband from the age of 14 and have spent less than 3 years of my adult life in the single state. When you throw in the fiances that I didn't marry, it is a brief few months of my adult life that I have been uncoupled. In fact, these past 3 months are the longest I have been without a boyfriend, fiance or husband since I was 12 years old.

It feels strange to me. I just can't seem to settle down into this all-by-myself status, but at the same time I refuse to get sucked into a relationship I'm not 100% comfortable with either. I have also been celibate during this time, and that is getting old, but again, I don't want to have even 'just sex' unless I have some belief that it will be more satisfying than solitary sex with my toys.

So, now, the story of this past weekend. I had placed a profile on an online dating site about a month ago. One of the men who contacted me was very gentlemanly in an old-world way, and he invited me to his city about 2 hours away in order for us to meet, offering to pay for my gas for the drive there and wanting me to spend Saturday and Sunday there. I thought this was a reasonable invitation, so I accepted. This was planned at least 2 weeks in advance, and in the interim, there were brief messages between us concerning details like my dining preferences so he could plan where we would go for meals, but no deep conversation. (Red Flag #1: I should have made sure there was specific communication about expectations on both sides.)

I arrived in the area and let him know so that he could give me directions to where he was. He told me to meet at a drugstore near where he lived because the security at his subdivision "is a pain in the ass." I assumed this meant that he needed to make sure I had some kind of security pass for my car in order to get through the gates, but when we met up at the drugstore, it became clear that he expected me to leave my car there and ride in his car to his home. Because I didn't feel threatened, I elected to go in his car with him. Side note: I carry a weapon in my purse. (Red Flag #2: I should have insisted on driving my own car regardless of what "a pain in the ass" it was, or even better, I should have initiated a delayed discussion regarding expectations and ended the 'date' right there.)

When we got to his house, the first thing he did after I followed him in was to turn around and start kissing me. I thought it was going to be an old-world style hug and kiss on the cheek, but he took it to the mouth. I extricated myself and created some physical distance. (Red Flag #3: Another point where I should have initiated a discussion regarding boundaries before continuing the 'date'.)

He prepared cold drinks, and we went into the living room for what I thought was going to be a time of visiting and getting to know each other (verbally). I sat on the edge of the couch a couple feet away, trying to let my body language tell the story that I wasn't interested in physical contact. However, he continued to interrupt the conversation by embracing me, pulling my upper body backward from my perch and trying to kiss me. I don't remember how many times this happened, each time with me managing to extricate myself and each successive time him being more forceful and trying to go farther each time, to the point of groping my breasts, whereupon I finally spoke up and said, "No, I'm not ready for all of that" several times while blocking my breasts with my arms and/or removing his hands from my body as he tried to lift up my skirt more than once. (Red Flag #4: I should never have allowed this to go on as long as it did and should have insisted on being returned to my car immediately and/or extricated myself and left the premises on foot if need be.)

As I became more and more forcefully defensive, a discussion ensued, where he questioned what did I think was going to happen when we were sleeping in the same bed, and I said I hadn't been planning on sleeping in the same bed. He was incredulous that I agreed to come there for an overnight visit without planning to have sex. I said I didn't know that 'visit' equaled 'sex' and that it was not going to happen because I don't have sex with strangers. He said that then there was no point, and I said he could take me back to my car then. At this point, he insisted that we still go to dinner because he had promised to take me out to dinner. He had also promised to pay my gas expense for the trip there, but that wasn't addressed. (Red Flag #5: I should have insisted on being taken to my car immediately.)

We went to dinner, and while waiting to be seated, he kept getting behind me and groping my ass! I kept stepping away. He asked me how long I had been in 'the lifestyle'. I asked why, and that's when he told me he'd been a Dom for 30 years. He had found me on a vanilla dating site, so this kind of surprised me. He spent the whole dinner trying to convince me to come back to his house so he could make me "feel good." He showed me his profile on a BDSM site with pictures of women in bondage and with various implements on them, presumably to try to get me turned on. It didn't work. (Red Flag #6: I should have asked why, in 30 years, he never learned the rules I learned in the lifestyle during the last 5 years: 'No means No' and 'No touching without permission'.)

After dinner he did return me to my car when I insisted and never did reimburse me for the gas it took to get there and back. I hightailed it out of there, ended up in a parking lot and started texting my friends about how angry I was about what happened. After I cooled down for awhile, I was able to get in touch with another man who had contacted me on the same dating site and lived nearby. We met at a friendly little bar in a neighboring town and had a nice relaxing time with the other patrons. It was like hanging out with friends and very comforting after my unpleasant experience earlier in the evening.

This experience has taught me:

• First meetings are to be in public places ONLY.
• Ask questions about expectations before meeting someone for the first time.
• NO overnight first 'dates'.
• Carry a weapon and my phone on my person when meeting someone for the first time.
• If there is touching without permission, give warning, then exit if there is a second offense.
• Do not drive long distances to meet anyone unless I already have other business to take care of and would be there anyway. Otherwise, go no farther than halfway to meet someone.
• Give all information I know about the person I'm meeting to a friend and have the friend make calls to check on me during the meeting.

There are probably more red flags I should have taken heed of and probably more I should have learned from this experience, but this is at least a start, and I'm going to give myself credit for trying to learn these things and implement these 'rules'.

As a submissive, I am finding it very difficult to protect myself. I have always depended on the man in my life to protect me. I am so used to submitting to a man and being acquiescent and going with the flow. It's hard for me to be on guard and do the protecting all by myself. Things that are elementary to others are not so obvious to me. I tend to believe the best of people and don't expect them to behave badly. I really need to wise up fast.