Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Learning Process of Dating

I suppose the first thing to understand about my dating naivete is that I was with my first husband from the age of 14 and have spent less than 3 years of my adult life in the single state. When you throw in the fiances that I didn't marry, it is a brief few months of my adult life that I have been uncoupled. In fact, these past 3 months are the longest I have been without a boyfriend, fiance or husband since I was 12 years old.

It feels strange to me. I just can't seem to settle down into this all-by-myself status, but at the same time I refuse to get sucked into a relationship I'm not 100% comfortable with either. I have also been celibate during this time, and that is getting old, but again, I don't want to have even 'just sex' unless I have some belief that it will be more satisfying than solitary sex with my toys.

So, now, the story of this past weekend. I had placed a profile on an online dating site about a month ago. One of the men who contacted me was very gentlemanly in an old-world way, and he invited me to his city about 2 hours away in order for us to meet, offering to pay for my gas for the drive there and wanting me to spend Saturday and Sunday there. I thought this was a reasonable invitation, so I accepted. This was planned at least 2 weeks in advance, and in the interim, there were brief messages between us concerning details like my dining preferences so he could plan where we would go for meals, but no deep conversation. (Red Flag #1: I should have made sure there was specific communication about expectations on both sides.)

I arrived in the area and let him know so that he could give me directions to where he was. He told me to meet at a drugstore near where he lived because the security at his subdivision "is a pain in the ass." I assumed this meant that he needed to make sure I had some kind of security pass for my car in order to get through the gates, but when we met up at the drugstore, it became clear that he expected me to leave my car there and ride in his car to his home. Because I didn't feel threatened, I elected to go in his car with him. Side note: I carry a weapon in my purse. (Red Flag #2: I should have insisted on driving my own car regardless of what "a pain in the ass" it was, or even better, I should have initiated a delayed discussion regarding expectations and ended the 'date' right there.)

When we got to his house, the first thing he did after I followed him in was to turn around and start kissing me. I thought it was going to be an old-world style hug and kiss on the cheek, but he took it to the mouth. I extricated myself and created some physical distance. (Red Flag #3: Another point where I should have initiated a discussion regarding boundaries before continuing the 'date'.)

He prepared cold drinks, and we went into the living room for what I thought was going to be a time of visiting and getting to know each other (verbally). I sat on the edge of the couch a couple feet away, trying to let my body language tell the story that I wasn't interested in physical contact. However, he continued to interrupt the conversation by embracing me, pulling my upper body backward from my perch and trying to kiss me. I don't remember how many times this happened, each time with me managing to extricate myself and each successive time him being more forceful and trying to go farther each time, to the point of groping my breasts, whereupon I finally spoke up and said, "No, I'm not ready for all of that" several times while blocking my breasts with my arms and/or removing his hands from my body as he tried to lift up my skirt more than once. (Red Flag #4: I should never have allowed this to go on as long as it did and should have insisted on being returned to my car immediately and/or extricated myself and left the premises on foot if need be.)

As I became more and more forcefully defensive, a discussion ensued, where he questioned what did I think was going to happen when we were sleeping in the same bed, and I said I hadn't been planning on sleeping in the same bed. He was incredulous that I agreed to come there for an overnight visit without planning to have sex. I said I didn't know that 'visit' equaled 'sex' and that it was not going to happen because I don't have sex with strangers. He said that then there was no point, and I said he could take me back to my car then. At this point, he insisted that we still go to dinner because he had promised to take me out to dinner. He had also promised to pay my gas expense for the trip there, but that wasn't addressed. (Red Flag #5: I should have insisted on being taken to my car immediately.)

We went to dinner, and while waiting to be seated, he kept getting behind me and groping my ass! I kept stepping away. He asked me how long I had been in 'the lifestyle'. I asked why, and that's when he told me he'd been a Dom for 30 years. He had found me on a vanilla dating site, so this kind of surprised me. He spent the whole dinner trying to convince me to come back to his house so he could make me "feel good." He showed me his profile on a BDSM site with pictures of women in bondage and with various implements on them, presumably to try to get me turned on. It didn't work. (Red Flag #6: I should have asked why, in 30 years, he never learned the rules I learned in the lifestyle during the last 5 years: 'No means No' and 'No touching without permission'.)

After dinner he did return me to my car when I insisted and never did reimburse me for the gas it took to get there and back. I hightailed it out of there, ended up in a parking lot and started texting my friends about how angry I was about what happened. After I cooled down for awhile, I was able to get in touch with another man who had contacted me on the same dating site and lived nearby. We met at a friendly little bar in a neighboring town and had a nice relaxing time with the other patrons. It was like hanging out with friends and very comforting after my unpleasant experience earlier in the evening.

This experience has taught me:
  • First meetings are to be in public places ONLY.
  • Ask questions about expectations before meeting someone for the first time.
  • NO overnight first 'dates'.
  • Carry a weapon and my phone on my person when meeting someone for the first time.
  • If there is touching without permission, give warning, then exit if there is a second offense.
  • Do not drive long distances to meet anyone unless I already have other business to take care of and would be there anyway. Otherwise, go no farther than halfway to meet someone.
  • Give all information I know about the person I'm meeting to a friend and have the friend make calls to check on me during the meeting.

There are probably more red flags I should have taken heed of and probably more I should have learned from this experience, but this is at least a start, and I'm going to give myself credit for trying to learn these things and implement these 'rules'.

As a submissive, I am finding it very difficult to protect myself. I have always depended on the man in my life to protect me. I am so used to submitting to a man and being acquiescent and going with the flow. It's hard for me to be on guard and do the protecting all by myself. Things that are elementary to others are not so obvious to me. I tend to believe the best of people and don't expect them to behave badly. I really need to wise up fast.

Friday, November 12, 2010


I have been single for 3 months now. I have been dating for the past month, and I am already burnt out.

I'm tired of smiling and being charming to people who end up asking me for nude pictures instead of taking the time to get to know me. I'm tired of people who want to endlessly 'chat' or email online or text on the phone instead of talking on the phone and meeting in person. I'm most especially tired of people who live far away and want to have a 'relationship' online without any plan for meeting or discussing relocation.

I'm hoping this is just the way I'm feeling right now and not a long-term feeling because ordinarily I enjoy meeting and talking to people and being sociable. Right now, though, I'm feeling ready to get off the dating roller coaster, at least for awhile. Maybe I need some time off to recharge my smiley charming self so I can get back to feeling normal again. I definitely need to spend some time learning better how to navigate these shark-infested waters.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Thursday Thunks: Spices, Quotes and Other Things

1. If you could skywrite anything you wanted, what would it be?

Probably something silly like, "d was here"

2. Did you get drunk at your prom?

I never went to prom :-(

3. What is your favorite spice to use cooking?

Pepper is what I use most. I also like paprika and garlic salt.

4. What color is your roof?


5. In a land far, far away I _____________

finally found what I was looking for.

6. In the Miss USA pageant, Miss California was asked; "Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?" and her answer was; "Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," Carrie said to a mix of boos and applause. "No offense to anybody out there. But that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be between a man and a woman." Do you think that cost her the crown?

I have no idea, and I don't care.

7. Do you watch Miss USA/Miss America pageants?


8. Have you ever driven/ridden on a tractor?

I don't think so, even though I've been on farms before.

9. For the parents - what cartoon/children show did your child watch obsessively? (Hey, if you aren't a parent, maybe a niece or nephew...)

SpongeBob SquarePants.

10. If I set a level on your living room floor - would it show that it was level?

It feels level, so hopefully it would pass the test.

11. What was the last restaurant you ate at?

It was a Mexican restaurant inside a hotel, and I don't remember the name of it.

12. What's the picture on your wall calendar for this month?

A Currier & Ives picture called, 'My Boyhood Home'.

13. Are you superstitious?


14. If I get into your car and turn on the radio - what type of radio station will I hear?

Could be any kind. I use the 'seek' button, so it could be stopped on just about anything.

15. Would you rather wake up with a snake in your bed or a lizard?

If I absolutely have to choose to be near either one, it would have to be the lizard, I guess, but I do not like the idea at all.

16. Do you think schools have changed at all since the Columbine tragedy 10 years ago? In what ways?

I assume there is more security in the schools than there used to be , but apparently it's not always effective because there was a gunman at the local school just a few months ago. He ran off after beating up a teacher (no serious injuries, thank goodness), so all the children were okay, but still pretty traumatic for everybody.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wednesday Weirdness #52

1.) What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase?

I can't think of anything I've been embarrased to buy. I figure it's none of the check-out person's business anyway.

2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most?

Missionary--man on top--IF I had a man to be on top.

3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off?

I always untie them before taking them off, and I nag my children to do the same and to tie them when they are on their feet.

4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident?

I think it was a plate I dropped.

5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why?

I suppose it would be my appendix since supposedly we don't need it.

6.) How do you feel about anal sex?

I find the idea of it more stimulating than the reality, although I do get a lot of enjoyment from my partner's enjoyment of it.

7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why?

That's an easy one--I'd want to be a foolproof human lie detector. That alone would prevent a myriad of problems.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

TMI Tuesday #183

1. Marriage and children aside, what has been your greatest accomplishment in life?

Still being here after all these years.

2. Aside from healthy and happy children, what is your greatest ambition for the future?

To finish all the needlework projects I began for all my loved ones before I die.

3. If we were to enter your real name in a search engine, what would we find?

I googled it and found a couple of reviews on Amazon.

4. Who is the most famous person you ever met (not just in the same room as, but actually spoke with)?

I believe I answered this on a previous meme--Bob Dole.

5. Parents aside, who is your biggest hero?

You didn't disallow grandparents, so I am saying my grandmother. I've always wanted to be as sweet and loving as she was.

6. Someone once worked out the sexual version of Six Degrees of Separation - Celebrity A slept with B, who slept with C, who slept with D, making as sort of connection between A and D. Are you connected to anyone famous through six or fewer bonks?

I seriously doubt it. I suppose it could be true, but how would I ever know?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Submissive Journal

Do you identify with a particular type of animal? Do you use any kind of pet or animal interactions with your owner?

i like cats and dogs as pets, but i don't identify with them, and i don't remember ever doing any pet or animal interactions with anyone before.

Do you feel the desire to please, or obey, or a combination of both? Can either of these desires work to your detriment?

i assume that obedience is pleasing, but pleasing is more than obedience. i desire to do both--obviously to obey when directed to do something, but also to get to know my Owner well enough so that i would get better at anticipating His needs and meeting them.

i feel like both desires can work to my detriment, especially if focusing on only one to the exclusion of the other. For example, if i were only to respond to direct orders, my Owner might get weary of always having to direct me, and if i were only to depend upon my own intuition about His needs and desires and ignore direction, that would not be pleasing at all.

It seems best to have obedience be automatic and also be looking for ways to please beyond that whenever it feels like it would be welcomed.

How do you greet your owner upon your or his/her arrival?

i have to answer this about a prior relationship. i was to be freshly bathed, naked and waiting on my knees in the bedroom when he arrived home.

What activity that you engage in involves all of you; mind, body and soul?

If i was having sex, that would be my answer, but since i have not had sex in a long time, probably the activity that has any chance of involving all three of those parts of me (but in a much more minor way) would be dancing or exercise of some kind.

Are you allowed to show your lust for your partner? How do you approach your partner when you want sex?

Again, i have to answer from the past and say i was always allowed to show my desire for him and to approach him when i wanted sex, but i have always tended to be subtle in my approach, like getting naked and cuddling up to him, and so i rarely got the response i was hoping for.

When do you feel the most beautiful?

When my significant other tells me i am beautiful.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The 40 Meme

1. My uncle once : reported that he had spotted my other uncle "walking doggedly" when we were driving around trying to locate him at the airport. Since we passed said uncle before i got a chance to see him, i never learned what "walking doggedly" looks like.

2. Never in my life : have i set out to hurt anyone, so i cannot understand why those that do, do.

3. When I was seventeen : i was married, a homeowner, had a full-time job and was pregnant with my oldest child.

4. High School was : more fun than not, but not enough fun for me to ever desire to go to a high school reunion.

5. I will never forget : my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and their love for me.

6. I once met : Bob Dole when he was running for Vice President in 1976.

7. There’s this girl I know who : wants to be with the One she belongs to.

8. Once, at a bar : some guy i didn't even know grabbed me and gagged me with his tongue. Gross.

9. By noon, I’m usually : hungry.

10. Last night : i spent the evening hanging out and talking with new friends.

11. If only I had : enough money to pay all the bills on time.

12. Next time I go to gym/church : (gym/church????? i didn't even know there was such a thing as a gym/church. Either way, i haven't seen the inside of one in years!)

13. Susan Boyle : sings very well.

14. What worries me most : is losing anyone i love.

15. When I turn my head left, I see : a beautiful day outside.

16. When I turn my head right, I see : a room in serious need of the kids getting all their stuff picked up and out of here.

17. You know I’m lying when : i say i am lying? But even that is not correct since i don't lie.

18. What I miss most about the eighties : is my youth.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be : Juliet.

20. By this time next year : i will weigh a lot less than i do now.

21. A better name for me would be : Conqueror. (Rom 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.)

22. I have a hard time understanding : why some people seem to lead charmed lives.

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll : become an M.D.

24. You know I like you if : i tell you so.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be : whoever gave it to me.

26. When I compare 80’s rock to 90’s rock : i like 80s rock better.

27. Take my advice, never : go to bed angry.

28. My ideal breakfast is : fried eggs topped with cheese.

29. A song I love, but do not own is : Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. It sets me to dancing.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest : you stay in your car with your windows rolled up and your doors locked and pass through as quickly as possible.

31. My favorite Beatle is : Paul.

32. Why won’t people : be nicer to each other?

33. If you spend the night at my house : it will be so much fun--Slumber Party!

34. I’d stop my wedding for : a family emergency or if i was blessed enough to found out before the wedding that the person i was going to marry was a liar. So far, i have failed to dodge that bullet.

35. The world could do without : terrorists.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than : ever be in a relationship with a liar again.

37. My favorite blond is : Sawyer aka James

38: Paper clips are more useful than : a hole in the head?

39. If I do anything well, it’s : empathy and compassion.

40. And by the way : i love watching sunsets.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Saturday 9: Almost Famous

1. Have you ever been told that you look like someone famous?

i answered this on another meme not too long ago, and the answer was yes, i have been told i look like Bette Midler.

2. Name a celebrity that shares your birthday.

Reba McEntire.

3. Tell us about your first kiss.

i think i was 12, and it was with a neighbor boy a year older who talked me into it, and it was pretty close-mouthed and stiff. Even so, i thought i had moved into the big leagues, having acquired kissing experience. i think he managed to kiss all of us neighborhood girls at some point.

A few months ago, one of my friends told me that she had recently attended his funeral. Too young to die. Very sad for his wife and children.

4. When you meet someone attractive, what do you notice first?


5. What was your biggest mistake ever?

Oh gosh, there have been so many collosal mistakes, how on earth can i pick a 'biggest'? The one thing they all seem to have in common, though, is that i went against my gut instinct. In hindsight, that's what i always end up telling myself--i should have gone with my gut feelings instead.

6. Give us one random, but candid fact about you.

i am going to try that four orgasms a day thing to see if it makes me happier (see 'Current' below). (You asked for candid!)

7. What about your current or most recent lover excites you?

Current: i do not have a lover currently, which makes me unhappy and is not exciting.
Most recent: Nothing. Worst. "Lover" (and i use the quotes for sarcasm's sake). Ever.

8. What really annoys you?

Men who assume that i am easy and/or desperate just because i am into BDSM. Mean people. Liars.

9. How many other Saturday 9’ers answers do you usually read?

This is my first time doing this meme. i plan on reading at least three others, more if time permits.

Saturday Six: Episode 262

1. What is the last drink you drank at home?

Room temperature water, very exciting.

2. You’re ordering a latte: do you prefer caffeine or decaf? Flavored or regular? Lowfat or regular?

i don't even know what a latte is, so i probably wouldn't be ordering it. i suspect it may be some kind of coffee, in which case i definitely would not be ordering it.

3. What is the last non-alcoholic drink you ordered at a restaurant?

i am going to declare the Sonic drive-thru to be a restaurant so my that answer can be Cherry Limeade. Love that stuff.

4. What’s the most exotic mixed drink you remember trying? Did you enjoy it?

The bartender said it was his specialty and named it after my daughter, with whom he was flirting a lot. He loved how she looks like Jennifer Aniston. The drink was pink and sweet, and i think i had three of them. He kept giving them to us for free.

5. Take the quiz: What Flavor Margarita Are You?

You Are a Lime Margarita
Realistic and grounded, you have the energy to tackle any obstacle that stands in your way.
Hyper and driven, you despise lazy behavior of all kinds... especially lazy drunks too tired to dance!

6. How likely would you be to order the drink listed as the answer to the previous question?

Considering that i love Cherry Limeade, i would probably be very likely to order a Lime Margarita. i wonder if there is such a thing as a Cherry Lime Margarita. If not, maybe that bartender mentioned above would create one for me.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Friday 5: The Great Outdoors

1. When did you last sleep in a tent?

About a year and a half ago.

2. What comes to mind when you think about relieving yourself in the great outdoors?

Worry about what i am going to wipe with if i wasn't prepared.

3. Where’s the best place you ever went camping?

In a fully outfitted camping trailer.

4. What’s your favorite camp food?

Hebrew Nationals roasted over the campfire.

5. What’s your sleeping bag like?

Light blue on the outside, dark blue on the inside.